Testing the Waters.

SHALLOW 

   Testing the waters  and getting baptized in tears, what a weird way to name an article that is all about self discovery and adventure , right ? Often are times, we forget to realise our abilities as individuals and focus on the rules laid down by men. Walking on water was only achieved by Jesus ,Son of Joseph , where is the faith of Christians? Why don't we walk our faith up to China, maybe clear our debt? We are busy as a nation fighting about which tribe gets what position. The illiteracy among the educated  infiltrates the society and the uneducated play by the books of the literates. It's more than sarcasm and basic irony out here.

  This article is not a cup of tea that is served on Social media pages and mainstream media but my lessons learnt and experience. You may ask ! "But he is only in his 20's , what could he possibly have learnt from the world? He is too young" Your question is valid and very much true. I am of little earthly experience and discovering myself may take a lifetime, but the little I know, I will walk and work with, to create a better version of myself and so should you my dear reader. We are yet to start and your expectations may be at an all time low , hold onto your phone dear one and read through this piece.

CRADLE   

  Coming from a humble background; and by humble I mean, my parents were in actuality,  common members of the society able to feed their children porridge and smashed matoke . I have learnt that one can eat porridge as the only meal as well as drink water and survive. The humility of my background is purely based on the misguided description of poor , poor and poor. Walking to school in the 60's to 90's by our parents was described as a sign of poverty ! That was not poverty , but the inaccessibility of enough motor vehicles in our country at the time and the inability of Native Africans to stick to their traditional ways of living. Walking was also very healthy.

   My parents, just like most , have modelled me to be a better person and to always leave a place better than I found it. If dishes are dirty , wash a plate or two , If the cleaning lady is washing the walkways, pause , say hi and ask for permission to pass through. If there's climate change, reduce amount of energy wastage , plant a tree or four , avoid water and electricity wastage. These small lessons have had a great impact on my life and perspective on which I view people and things.
  Enough about myself, let's dive into the article.  ( Testing the waters )

TESTING THE WATERS

  The journey to self awareness has led me to taste waters that were otherwise addictive and interesting to say the least. I have asked questions to people who end up questioning my sanity. I have tried things that made me question my abilities. I have shared ideas and thoughts with people and got me labelled "Over-ambitious" or simply "insane". I have tasted fermented waters and questioned the addiction to something that tastes worse than regrets.  I have indulged in activities that are nothing but dehumanizing and against the laws of men and gods. I have sat with men who's ambitions make me question my purpose in this life.
    Have you ever questioned why you were born the last not the first ? The oldest not the youngest ? The daughter not the son ? The child not the parent? I have sought admission to a Mental Facility from asking so many questions , but my application was nullified due to my poor acting abilities . I have scrutinized particular happenings that make no sense to me ; the presence of life after death , the sense of spirit and connection beyond birth and death , the shape of the earth , the growth of trees . Some things are better off left unasked and untouched.  

   I'd describe Self- awareness as the ability to distinguish one's own character, feelings , beliefs and being true to oneself.  We identify by the name given to us at birth ( How I wish children had the right to name themselves ) and forget there's so much beyond that. Who are you? What's your purpose in life ? Why do you exist?
     For a very long time , I questioned so much, got criticized for asking but I never quit till I got the answer . Self awareness has led me to know where I don't fit in, time to stop the show , time to walk in and time to walk away. It has given me sense of knowing oneself and at times its  been confused with ego. I have come to realize that one's beliefs can be completely shattered by the beliefs of the majority. Identifying with Martha Karua as my Deputy President will make me sound like a rebel but of what impact is the current deputy if all that happens is dismantling the little our society believed in.

  Back in high school, I can recall "Giving my life to Christ" close to 5 times . This was facilitated by the promise of a better future and better life in Christ which roughly translated to better grades in my academics. At one worship experience I gave my life to Christ just to get a chance to speak to a lady (that didn't work out). Confessing my sins to the Visiting "Pastors" was another indulgence that didn't fulfill my desire to grow. Upon becoming self awoken, the grace of the Lord showed me how to surrender to spirit and how to bathe in lily waters.

THE POWER ABOVE

From the onset of humanity, humans believed in their traditional gods and superior beings . On the shipping of Christianity to the Kenyan Coast and submission of ourselves to Christ, everyone had something and someone to believe in ; God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son and The Holy Spirit.
    My journey to self awareness and self discovery made me question so much about the Power that Christianity held above humanity. We tend to believe the church leaving out the art of caring for others and for ourselves. Most of us are too religious leaving out the spiritual connection with Christ and with others.
     In my early twenties , I got elected as a Youth representative at my church . To God be the glory , for I learnt lessons that I would never have learnt anywhere else. Religious beliefs and attainment of "religious status" meant that I had to act and behave in a particular godly manner , godly I tried to be , but no man can be / can do what He , The Maker did.                                             My age and my background also impacted the perception of the congregants behind me.I am good in fasting, but not at long prayers, good in kneeling, but not on shouting His name. At one Prayer and Fasting event,  a member was shocked that I was praying while opening & closing my eyes , my response was simple " I am opening my eyes ,just to see His presence , just like Moses saw the burning bush and two , I'm just being vigilant Incase someone decides to steal our bags".                                                   Questions have always been asked on my role as a leader and at times I lack answers , but representation is what I'm best at , I either show up , turn up or both. I am now aware that the maximum time I can take to pray is six minutes, in intervals , the best time to pray is everytime and the way to start prayer is by Thanksgiving.

  Holding a position among the Youth in my church has led me to different paths of prayer, worship , fasting, spiritual connection and fulfilment , love and nature . Regardless of lessons learnt, I was left with questions that if asked, I'd have received backlash from all religious believers.
   Believing and submitting to a superior being is amazing. I can not count the number of times I am happy after prayer , I can not explain the power that surrounds me in my darkest hours , neither can I explain the armor that shields me.
   Have you ever lost a phone? It hurts , it's like loosing a title deed to the guys at the Land's Ministry or getting Catfished on Facebook. I once lost a phone two days after purchase and was almost loosing my mind. Those Nazigi Sacco / Marimba / 44 route Matatus are a no go zone. I avoid them like how we avoided going out during the pandemic. This was nothing but a stepping stone and I thank The Power above for the blessing of a different Mobile phone.

HEALING AND ACCEPTANCE

  Early 2019 , my close friend Victor , succumbed to illness and his death not only disheartens me but makes me withdraw from tons of activities. Anxiety took a toll on me and it still affects my way of doing things. I am worried about the future more than the present . I tend to like straight lines for curvaceous structures look harmful . For a moment, I saw death in almost everything I did , cried my way to the Lakeside City to give him a decent send off , hoping he'd rise , just like Jesus with Lazarus. I feared using Matatus , going out alone , crossing the roads and eating processed foods. I used to see death in people's eyes. I couldn't sleep . I had nightmares and was constantly sweating at night.
   Before his demise, we had plans to run a hospitality franchise and do bodybuilding. We joined separate gyms and our journey began , three weeks into healthy eating and ambitious plan writing the world came to a standstill and my eyes were often wet. I discontinued going to the gym and will soon be back supplying food and experience. 
  It took me two years to accept that my friend died and another one to push myself to therapy and speak all my feelings out . The dramatization of his death from the family's story takes me aback by how quick one can turn from happy to sick in a fraction of hours. May his soul continue resting in peace and may his loved ones stock his memories for eternity.

OPPORTUNITIES

  I have interacted with people from different social divides and one thing that intrigued me was the difference in amount of opportunities available to those of different levels of social classes . Opportunities presented to me were purely based on the people I interacted with, the schools I went to , the Church I worship in , the estate I live in and the Clubs I joined.
   In school , I was taught to read in order to pass exams , at which I got out with role models including the Nobel laureate Wangari Mathaai . While looking for good grades , cheating opportunities were presented and behold good grades I got, but at the cost of honesty & self belief.
  In church, I have been taught the art of prayer and worship. Giving and kindness has also been talked about and with humility I took the lessons. I have tons of testimonies about giving and receiving, but we'll talk about that another time. While looking for spiritual fulfillment and order , beautiful ladies worshiped and my young blood was often hot. Assuming anything happened, procreation would have gotten rotten fruits with stunning looks.
  My neighbours have taught me to keep things in order , cleanliness, togetherness, agriculture which was so much more than security.
  I strive to create better opportunities for myself and for others. Connections with others and engagements are the core growth factors in this model world . From my small experience , lessons learnt from every group of people I interacted with were completely different, other than the belief of a superficial being.
   We think the way we do because of factors, including upbringing, friends, neighbourhoods , exposure and parenting.

CONCLUSION

  At this point you must be asking yourself? Baptised in what tears ?, What tears? Where is the tea ? Where is the hot part ? Why didn't he say it all out ? Why would he not just clear the questions  in my head ? I thought he had a girlfriend or the story was about him being caught cheating? I thought he'd be talking about getting close to the justice by mob ?(Now , this is an article I must write and maybe make it a song )
  So many questions are probably running through your head right now , but reaching this far, you are my favorite reader and may you always be eager to see what will be coming every blue moon .
  Dreaming is not limited to bedtime or nighttime. Draw your dreams into a paper , turn them into actions and we will together make it possible. Avoid pessimists, may it be family, friends, partners or loved ones. Avoid anything that Wakadinali tells you to avoid. As we start a new year, become a giver, give gratitude, he hopeful, have faith , be happy , explore , be kind , be humble and most importantly, love beyond measure . Learn how to love yourself before others but not to the selfish extreme.

Thanks for your time. Humbled ,MK.